WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos