If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
constantly working on myself.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.