My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro