My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!