“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
What flavor cupcake are these
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
marvel comics have peaked
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.