[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Pickled cat.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.