if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Spell check is for lasers.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted