but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
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repaired
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My kitchen overserved me.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.