Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.