Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Current mood: Potato
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself