How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.