Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.