my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine