“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
new shirt idea
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”