I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Mornin
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.