Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
How high do the levels go?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.