I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.