Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My wife has the worst taste in men.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Have a lovely day 😊
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???