[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Breaking news:
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage