Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
You Might Also Like
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.