“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.