Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
When you kidnap a writer.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Always 🥴