Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Growing up was a huge mistake
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?