“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody