I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.