My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef