Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
live long and prosper!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures