CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.