Guy who likes music
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*aggressively waits in line*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day