[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
hackers play passwordle
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.