Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?