me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend