my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.