It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Incredible customer service.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star