I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks