My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Employees must applaud the planets.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.