Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
only 11 steps left
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.