An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Autocorrect is my menesis
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away