Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky