Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Got ya covered
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry