Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
You Might Also Like
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Europe. Made in Germany.