People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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my first day as a raccoon
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.