Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
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My nickname in high school was “who?”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.