TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.