I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]