Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging