“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
You Might Also Like
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Thanks to a fan for this one.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Word!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.