KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
You Might Also Like
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
this has to be peak English
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
what are they serving at kfc then???
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
sry