We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
You Might Also Like
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.