I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
The Sun
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
A dad and his duck